Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
