I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i already hear my dad disowning me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
