im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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