Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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