Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
