if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
