A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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