I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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