Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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