the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
