So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
