two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
