Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
