I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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