My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
