I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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