is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
