He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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