I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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