life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
