Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
