shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
