I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
