just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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