I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
