toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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