Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
