Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
