Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
