Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
