I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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