I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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