In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
