Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
