while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
