so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
