So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
