everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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