As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
