New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
