your parents love me but you hate me
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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