the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
