2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
