Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
