seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
