I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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