Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't deserve a penis
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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