Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
