Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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