Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
